I'm probably late in the game on this, but I saw this bumper
And I said, "Really?" You're that much of a smug prick you put
a bumper sticker on your car mocking the Jesus fish. Whatever.
Go with...whoever the hell you go with.
I've been thinking about this because I've battled the onslaught
of out-of-the-closet atheists over the last five years and realized
that it's pointless. When an atheist argues with a Christian, they're
playing with house money. They can't lose, particularly in their
own mind, because the final argument is always, "Show me
proof." They want you to prove to them that God exists. The
punchline, of course, is that no human being can prove a higher
being exists. If a god, any god, were to show up here, we'd
probably all go blind or die from the mere sight.
So couple this with the fact that atheists think faith is for idiots,
and they can't lose! It's the perfect position. Atheism is a
winning existence and an easily winnable debate until death,
when who knows what happens? Well, atheists do. We're
worm and maggot food, like Chris Hitchens is right now.
So I Googled "Jesus fish Darwin" and found this:
which I thought was funny, funnier than anything an atheist
has come up with.
Then I found this:
which is even more perfect because famous, idolized atheists like
Ricky Gervais and Bill Maher think they invented atheism and
questioning the Bible. Their smug, unfunny atheist rants are adored
by fellow atheists simply for being equal to how they think, and
make Christians and I'm sure, many agnostics roll their eyes.
So, yes, it's fun to mock Christianity and Jesus and God, and to
argue with an atheist is to argue with a dumb robot. So I will
only do it for fun now, and with no facts, like they ask for, because
the only "fact" they'd accept is for you to hold a dinner party and
invite God Himself as the main guest. Still, I've been blocked on
Twitter by many an atheist, including one called "God is Not Real
Bro" on at least five accounts. And at least one atheist got one of
my accounts suspended. So they can't handle humor, only Jesus
So go ahead and wear your dumb T-shirts:
We're all laughing.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I want to preface this fun little blog by saying that,
when it comes to abortion, I don't really believe in
anything, necessarily. I don't mean I'm an abortion
atheist. I know they exist; I perform them in my
backyard a couple of times a month. I guess this makes
me pro-choice, except I'm also pro-life. I mean, I
don't dislike life. I'm very much for everyone living.
But I won't tell anyone I don't know what they should
do. Whether you were accosted and raped by a scoundrel
or you use abortion as a form of birth control and
they shout your name at the clinic like they did Norm
at Cheers, who am I to stop you?
Even if you sign a form that says the doctors and
nurses can play hacky sack with the fetus and then
slice it and serve it for Sunday brunch, I'm not
going to stand in your way. And if you're so pro-
choice you like punching infants in the face at
Walmart, stay away from my kids and we won't have
a problem. The decision to have a doctor go into your
reproductive system with a pair of pliers, a rusty
old coat hanger, a shoehorn, whatever they use, and
rip that unborn baby from you like it's a cancerous
tumor can't be an easy one. I understand that.
Especially after a rape.
Wrestling legend Jake "the Snake" Roberts was the
product of a rape. He's the only one I have on my
list. I could tell you Hitler was born from rape; I
could tell you Superman's mom was raped and he was
born. I'd be lying either way. If I were on a game
show to guess who was birthed through forced sex,
I'd be no better at it than the average contestant.
All that happy horseshit said, how the hell did we get
here? How did Republicans land themselves into being
called lovers of rape by Democrats? How'd they let
that happen? Shouldn't Rush Limbaugh or whoever leads
the conservatives have nipped this in the bud? This
Todd Akin just marched every right winger into that
fire. "Oh, yeah? You call us baby killers? Well, you
adore rape." And it's gonna stick! Very few people
in an albeit liberally biased media call abortionists
baby killers anymore. But everyone, from the Huffington
Post to gawker.com to the local penny saver is calling
Akin and Huckabee rapist sympathizers.
Great Caesar's ghost, that's playing hard! Jesus,
if you're a Republican, you've got to be asking how
you went from trying to stop unborn babies from being
killed to praising the rapist and the chloroform rag
he holds dear. It doesn't even make sense!
Todd Akin: All I'm saying is, even if you were raped,
before you have that unborn baby killed, please
consider that there could still be a good life for
him or her. Liberal media: Why do you love rape so much?
The thinking is as much an abortion as abortion
itself; yet, it's going on all around us right now.
Damnit, I hate politics. I just want to sing that
Buffalo Springfield song and go live on Jupiter or
some shit with my normal-thinking family.
What bunch of crazies the far left and the far right
are. If you're against abortion, not only do
you want to be the nazi hockey goalie in front of some
dame's vagina, but now you're practically Ted Bundy, you
murderous rapist, you. Is Todd Akin a nitwit for coining the term
"legitimate rape" and saying rape seldom leads to
pregnancy? Of course he is. Fuck him. I mean, what,
after all, would be "illegitimate rape?" I'm guessing
date rape and statutory rape, for starters. I mean,
come on. Those aren't real rape.
I'm kidding! Please don't report me to the police! And maybe rapist sperm is so weak from being lonely
and psychotic that, in many instances, it couldn't
possibly knock up a gal. Who knows? No one wants
to partake in my studies.
In the end, I guess all is fair in politics and
hate speech. There have been conservatives who kill
abortion doctors and homosexuals, and say all sorts
of nasty shit. But lately the Left is proving they
can be unstoppable hate machines as well. Look at the
shooting at the Family Research Council. When's the civil war? Kill each other, wing nuts.
Team Poppy stand on one side; Team Elaine Benes
stand on the other side. Let's do this. Let's all
be power hungry, selling soldiers in a human grocery
store. Ain't that fresh?
Sunday, August 12, 2012
At the rate the U.S. is going in terms of politics, I figure by the 2024 elections there will be unprecedented bloodshed during the campaign. And I'm not just talking about trading the lives of unborn babies for those of abortionists. I mean, like, civil war shit, the kind Guns 'n Roses sang about. The Right and the Left have never despised each other as they do now, and it can only get worse. To compare it with something equally as silly as politics, it's Magnum T.A. vs. Tully Blanchard circa 1985. And it's nearly time for the steel cage "I Quit" match.
The Right, as everyone knows, dislikes Barack Obama because he is black. It's certainly not because of his politics. It never has been. The Right adored Bill Clinton until Maya Angelou dopily said he was our "first black president." So conservatives had no choice but to hate him after that.
Republicans have long had a hatred for African-Americans: slavery, D.W. Griffith's The Birth of a Nation, the Separate Water Fountains Act of 1963. Legend has it that the Right made Ronald Reagan punch Sidney Poitier in the face before he could even think of being governor of California.
This hatred, however, is more than equaled because the Left's disdain for Mormons is also legendary, and to disagree with this fact is futile because there are dozens of examples of Mormon-bashing, and not just from those Coloradan "equal-opportunity offenders" Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
It's hard to say exactly when this intense bigotry began, but it could have been when everyone found out that serial killer Ted Bundy was one of these Mormons. Baptized in the Latter Day Saints during law school in Utah in 1974, Bundy didn't let this stop him from murdering teenage girls. You know, like them Mormons do. So, to the Left, all Mormons were potential serial killers. It was unfair then, and it hasn't stopped.
When Mormon actor Gordon Jump played the child molesting bicycle shop owner in the infamous episode of Diff'rent Strokes, liberal groups began rumors that all Mormons molest black children. Jump could hardly get work after that except for being the Maytag Repairman, and by the mid-80s, all Mormons were murdering kid touchers in the eyes of the liberal media.
When Danny Ainge, one of my all-time favorite athletes, was playing for the Boston Celtics in the 80s, Lakers fans were known to shout at him, "Go home, you stinking Mormon! And stay away from my kids!" Liberal cities like Los Angeles and New York were constantly screaming this at poor Danny, and it followed him when he played in Sacramento and Phoenix. Just the other day, I heard someone yell, "Why'd you let Ray Allen go, you stupid Mormon?"
Pro wrestler Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka? A Mormon. So imagine the field day liberals had after Nancy Argentino's death. "Oh, of course he killed her. He's a bloody Mormon, just like Bundy and Arthur Gary Bishop." You can bet the liberals, at least those "dumb enough" to watch rasslin', cheered Roddy Piper on when he blasted Snuka in the head with a coconut on Piper's Pit.
The poor Mormons have gotten this treatment since my childhood. I can remember watching those old Latter Day Saints PSAs with my hippy babysitter. You know, the ones about how you should never tell a lie. Well, this filthy hippy would say to me, "The Mormon's are squares, man. Lying is a gas!"
That babysitter, by the way? Squeaky Fromme.
And don't get me started on who's keeping Dale Murphy out of the Baseball Hall of Fame. That's right, slugger Dale is a proud Mormon as well. It's not above the Left to make some phone calls to Cooperstown and say, "Look, as far as you're concerned Pete Rose gets in before Murphy does. Same goes for Garth and Dane Iorg."
And, let me tell you, to round out my tirade, all the Twilight bashing you hear from the Left? You know why, don't you? Author Stephenie Meyer's a Mormon. It's not that the writing sucks or that vampire love is so stupid, it's that Steph worships that Joseph Smith guy like the atheists worship Christopher Hitchens.
It's disgraceful, and, of course, the liberal media won't report on how bigoted their own readers are. Why would they? Oh, but say the Tea Party Republicans are stupid racists every chance you get.
So whoever you vote for in November, whether it's the Mormon hating Black or the Black hating Mormon, keep me out of your reindeer games. It's time to stop the H8.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
So three blog posts in one day? You'd think someone was reading this. As we get closer to my short story collection Puppet Shows being released into the world - still not for a few months or year or so - I will have countless posts regarding the stories within and other tidbits. Including, and these are so good I will no doubt re-post them along with the actually flattering quotes at a later date, these actual statements from editors who rejected the stories in Puppet Shows. And here they are, counted down from six:
6. “It isn't our type of humor.”
5. “…fixated on the ridiculous”
3. “Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately I can't use it. My submission guidelines clearly state that we prefer nor (sic) profanity, and yours is laced with it.”
2. “I didn't like that the weirdness came from mental afflictions.”
...and my all-time favorite:
1. “Pulling things from people’s asses is not our forte. We’ll pass.”
How could you NOT want to read these stories? That said I had one rejection of Puppet Shows as a whole that said , “…your humor is spot-on and (the) narrative is energetic and engaging.”
So you see, rejections are not always bad. That's what I want to bring to you. Some are hilarious; others are downright flattering enough to piss you off.
Something I came upon recently was the lyrics to a song I wrote some 15 years ago called "Puppet Show." The song itself was very Pete Townshend-inspired and was never recorded. However, I have here the lyrics of said song, the theme song, if you will (Won't you?) to the collection of hilarious short stories to will soon be Puppet Shows:
Puppet Shows Don't try to shut me up You know I'm always shot down Don't try to look me up 'Cause I won't be around You wish me goodnight Just to hang around all day You love that crazy feeling Til that feeling goes away Puppet shows Tell me once again Puppet shows We're coming to the end Puppet shows The players dance and sing Puppet shows Cut off my strings I keep walking forward My feet keep walking back It's there in black and white Well, all I see is black You love my performance Well, I dig your show Ask me all your questions I'll tell you all I know Look me in the eye Try the other one too You gotta do what you can But what can you do The curtain comes down So begins the play You can say what you want But what can you say?
I had a story published in the wonderful online journal Zygote in My Coffee back in November 2006 called "Cat Touch Nazi." Yesterday I found something I wrote around the same time that I wrote this, sort of a sequel to CTN. Amy and I had these two stuffed dogs that, before we had our cats, were essentially our pets. We made them talk. They each had their favorite songs (Rascal's was BNL's "Another Postcard," Frank's was Outkast's "Hey Ya"). And the little bastards made it into some of my writing. So here, in its brief entirely, is the rest of the story:
Rascal & Frank: Stuffed dogs
These were our two other pets. She gave me Rascal as an anniversary gift; I bought Frank for her at the airport on the way home from Germany.
“Where’d you get him?” she asked me.
“A German whore gave it to me,” I jested.
She loved our little stuffed boys. What she didn’t quite like was when I bought collars for each of them and took them outside for walks.
“Mommy,” Rascal said. “Why don’t you think we’re real?”
“Because your Daddy’s insane,” Andie replied.
“Do you want us to go to Daddy’s place and kill that cat?” Frank offered.
“Yes!” Andie said. “Please do.”
“Wow,” Rascal said, turning to Frank. “Mommy’s evil.”
“Mommy is allergic to the cat,” she said. “So Daddy’s the evil one because he apparently wants to kill Mommy.”
“But, Mommy,” Frank said. “We’re both chock full of dust mites, which you’re also allergic to.”
“But, Frank,” she said, “That’s why I wash you so…will you stop it! I can’t believe I’m talking to stuffed animals.”
Ah, yes. That famous Billy Joel history lesson that re-introduced us to both the Charles Starkweather homicides and the Children of Thalidomide. Still poignant after all these years. I use this because everyone's been pissed off at both the famous fast food chicken company and the infamous NRA in the last few weeks. I don't really want to say too much about the Chick-Fil-A tragedy. I am pro-gay marriage, but aside from when one stops carrying their delicious bacon, egg and cheese breakfast wraps (I'm looking at YOU, Burger King!) I will rarely boycott a restaurant of any kind. I also think the word "hate," or "H8," as some now call it, is thrown around way too freely these days.
What occurred to me, and the reason I am writing this, is that following the shooting in Aurora, Colorado by the demented punk, everyone, at least on the Left, has been wagging their fingers at the National Rifle Association, just as they did with Columbine are other shootings. However, what I do not recall is very many people blasting the NRA after the shootings in Tucson, Arizona that injured Gabrielle Giffords in January 2011.
What's fascinating is the reason for this, which was who needed the NRA when we had Sarah Palin and former Giffords opponent Jesse Kelly to go after? For the Left, when there's a more mouth-watering target (no pun intended) to focus on, the NRA gets a free pass.
Anywayz, having said this I found a partial list of what we wanted to named our cats back when they were born eight and a half years ago. So that's cute, eh?
Winning Name: Basil
Winning Name: Tandoori (Tandy for short)
Claude (or Clawed)