Sunday, May 27, 2012

Hulk Hogan: Vampire Hunter


Hulk Hogan is Hulk Hogan in  

HULK HOGAN: VAMPIRE HUNTERMANIA!!!!!

(rated PG for mild violence and crude humor)




"What is a vampire's least favorite food?
Steak." - Bram Stoker


Once upon a time, Grandma kept flushing the toilet, thinking she was at the casino again. Then, it overflowed, the toilet that is, so we called 1-800-SHIT-POOP

♫ 1-800-SHIT-POOP ♫

and a bald guy who was literally nothing but butt crack told us we had vampires : (

"Shiver me timbers! Bats in the belfry, vampires in the terlet," Billy Joe Butt Crack said. "You don't need me. What you need is one of them vampiro hunters."

Myrtle and I took a gander inside the shitter. (It had been good for the goose, after all.)

"Blah!" one vamp said, peeking out over the porcelain all surreptitiously 'n shit.

"Heavens to Murgatroyd! A whole nest of vampires!" Butty McCracken chortled. "I've already called the vamp hunter for you. And look!" Cracker Butt shouted. "There he is!"

And there he is he was, dressed in yellow and red from head to toe. It was the one and only, the incredible, the immortal Hulk Hogan: Vampire Hunter.

"Okay, brother," he said. "You've got vampires; I'm a vampire hunter. So let's do to them what I did to King Kong Bundy, dude. If there's one thing I know about vampires, brother, it's that they don't train, say their prayers or eat their vitamins."

"That's three things."

"Let me tell you something, Mean Gene. When I get these 24 inch pythons around Nosferatu, brother, and then give him the big leg drop, I'll get the 1-2-3. So, whatcha gonna do, Edward Cullen, when hemophilia runs wild on you?"

"One vampire killer! Ah-ah-ah!," a vampire shouted at the Hulkster.

"Great googily moogily, brother," Hulk said. "Andre, come on in here, big dude."

With that the ghost of Andre the Giant came into our bathroom, bent over, and farted the vampires, and our entire house, into oblivion. And we all lived happily ever after.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Now Connected to Otto Petersen on Linkedin

May has been quite a month for your humble blogger, as, not only was it announced that my wonderfully hilarious short story collection Puppet Shows will be published by Writers AMuse Me, but the one and only comedian/ventriloquist extraordinaire Otto Petersen requested to be added to my glorious network on the Linkedin.





The great comedy team of Otto and George are probably the funniest standup act I have ever seen live, definitely top two along with Doug Stanhope.

I will never forget about eight years ago when my wife Amy and I went into Boston at the Comedy Connection to see Otto and George live. We had front row seats. When crossing my legs, my knee was literally on the stage. Perfect to be fodder for George's mocking.

I was going through a Mike's Hard Lemonade stage at the time, and, look, someone had to drive home, so I enjoyed one on that night. George, a funny-looking puppet, looked me right in the eyes and said, "Do you get a buzz from drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade?"

I had been laughing like crazy, so all I could get out was, "A little."

"A little?" George repeated. "Why don't you order a Zima, you pussy!"






I was dying. I had never laughed so hard at a comedy show. George even insulted Amy at one point, but I didn't care.

Then George looked at me again and said, "Are you Jewish, sir?"

"No," was again all I could say.

"Irish?" George asked.

"No."

"Italian?"

"Yes," I said.

George turned to Otto and said, "This is the most boring guinea I've ever talked to."

Again, I was rolling. I might have died that night from the laughter. If Otto and George perform in your area, run, don't walk. I've seen "them" several times since and love it every time. My friend Rick and I even got to meet Otto in 2007 at the Opie and Anthony Traveling Virus Show. Several of the guys we met were very cool - Opie, Robert Kelly, Louis CK - but Otto was the coolest of all.






Thus, I am very excited to be connected to the man himself on the silly land of Linkedin.

I wrote Otto afterwards, saying:



Thanks for adding me to your professional network, Otto. I'm a huge fan.

I'll have my people call George.


Can I say "Ah, puss a!" on the Linkedin?"


Mike



"A pussa," refers to one of George's signature lines. Otto responded in kind with another of George's lines:

Thanks pal.

Say 'your mothers cunt then' if you want.
 


My apologies for the saucy language, and don't shit on my good time by being a prude.

Anywho, that's it for this blog entry. Go away.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

"Puppet Shows," Coming Soon From Writers AMuse Me Publishing

This week my hilarious and quirky short story collection "Puppet Shows" was accepted for publication by the wonderful publishing company Writers AMuse Me. It is a collection of 13 bizarre stories. There will be more to come in the future.

Michael Frissore