Monday, June 27, 2011

Introducing: Pithy Talks with the Silly and Deceased

The Unpublishables presents our new series, “Pithy Talks with the Silly and Deceased.” Whenever we can dial them up on our Ouija board, we will be talking to famous and funny dead people. In our first interview we chatted with silent film actor and naughty boy Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle:

UNPUBLISHABLES: Fatty. Can we call you Fatty, or do you prefer Roscoe?

ARBUCKLE: Please call me Roscoe.

U: Really? Because nowadays, a newborn baby is probably more likely to be named “Fatty” than “Roscoe.” I don’t know of a Roscoe outside of the cop from The Dukes of Hazzard, and that went off the air 25 years ago. Ever see it?

FA: No, and just please call me Roscoe.

U: You got it, buddy. So, Roscoe, did you do it?

FA: Do what?

U: You know, the Coke bottle bit.

FA: It was actually a champagne bottle.

U: Classy man.

FA: And no, I didn’t. It was a misunderstanding.

U: Like on Three’s Company. So you feel the incident was misrepresented in the television film Message in a Bottle: the Fatty Arbuckle Story?

FA: There was never any such movie.

U: That’s because I’m writing it now. It’ll be a musical and probably bought by Lifetime.

FA: I’ll sue you.

U: You’re dead. Dead men tell no stories, or some shit like that.

FA: I thought we were gonna talk about my career.

U: And a fantastic one it was. How do you feel that people remember Chaplin and Keaton for their work, but remember you, if they remember you at all, for shoving a large bottle into a young girl’s twat and killing her?

FA: This interview is over, and I will be haunting you from the grave.

U: You can always try, O.J.

Coming up: Paul Lynde, Lenny Bruce, Benjamin Franklin, and Dave Eggers’s sister.

Friday, June 17, 2011

CVS Memo Book 2: Electric Boogaloo: 24 Things I Wrote in This Other Crappy Notebook

Reaction to my previous list of things I wrote in my notebook five years ago was overwhelming. Absolutely no one gave a shit. So for you, my fans, I uncovered another CVS 3x5 inch notebook and chose 24 things I wrote in there sans explanation, sans background, sans any belief that anyone will even read the words I’m typing right now. Nonetheless, here they are.

1. Words for Vagina
2. Tubgirl
3. On The Rocks
4. Lyrics to “In The Navy”

5. Name the best way to kill yourself
6. Guy convinced his cat is a human stuck inside cat body
7. L Old Jew City
8. House is infested w/monsters
9. I’m a black ninja, fuckface
10. Like JFK and Heather O’Rourke

11. YouTube: Tazer, Taser, Sweet Home Alabama
12. Cordelia Cockmonger
13. Reverse Pedophilia
14. The Case for Prostitution
15. Message in a Bottle: The Fatty Arbuckle Story

16. Blacks hadn’t even agreed to play in Majors yet.
17. Nude scenes – Brooke Shields, Kathy Bates, Jessica Tandy, Harvey Keitel
18. Learn to Tie, Learn to Iron
19. Bianca Buttsmuller
20. Cheap Trick – Surrender, Don’t even touch broads. You might get an STD
21. Curse of the Bambino – build a time machine
22. Guitar Hero: Age 7 – Dexys Midnight Runners/Solid Gold

23. Strange Things Guys Fuck
24. Jill stood in front of Chuck E Cheese with Marica, a mastodon of a woman whom Jill hired to be her chaperone for the afternoon.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

51 Things I Wrote in This Crappy Lil' Notebook Five Years Ago

I found a 3x5 inch CVS notebook from five years ago. I used it to write ideas and such in, and had taken it with me on our trips at least to Dallas and Houston; Six Flags in Agawam, Massachusetts; Kittery, Maine; and perhaps to Columbus, Ohio, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, just so I could throw it out, I collected the Top 51 things I wrote in this notebook. They’re in no order but perhaps a little chronological. And I’m not offering an explanation for any of them (unless asked). Let each ridiculous one stand on its own (With the exception of the ones with photos. Every blog needs photos).

How I thought any of these things would lead to stories I have no idea.

1. Grits
2. Woody’s Smokehouse – “Jerky Capital of the World”
3. Nougatocity?
4. Skydiving – hit birds?
5. McDonalds, May ’05, Columbus, OH. Had sandwich/subs
6. Prisonopoly
7. “You never sausage a place!”
8. Substantialiscious
9. “Good, they took the knives away.”
10. Let’s face it, there are some really hot 14 yr olds.
11. Handheld gas launcher, Pistols - .357, .38, AR-15 assault rifle, Nightstick, old slap jacks, Pepper spray
12. Micro surgical vasectomy revival
13. Pretzels made fun of Trinity w/3 holes
14. Satisfectellant
15. “Sock it to me, baby!”
16. Greatest Hits – Duran Duran, Huey Lewis, Poison, Mitch Ryder

17. Texas Prison Rodeo – “Thrilling Inmate Contest”
18. “Mine’s all wet.” “That’s what she said.”
19. “God Bless JFK. Forgive the conspirators,” which I thought was nice, but no. Fuck them.
20. Stereotype Wedding: Photographer (Asian), Staff (Spanish), Dressmaker (Gay), Guitarist (Hippy chick with hairy armpits)
21. Umbrella – Wish had a knife or sarin in it
22. Fuller Brush Outlet?
23. Evil Mike. Indifferent Mike.
24. Stuff issued to prisoners: shirt, pants, socks, shoes, comb, razor, tooth powder, toothbrush, soap, toilet paper roll
25. Oprah, Siskel, Gacy
26. Spilled ketchup all over plate. If waitress comments – “Well, when Amy’s Aunt Flo visits, it’s a heavy one.”
27. Hanna Anderson in Kittery: If you’re a pedophile with a hankering for French-Canadian children
28. I tried to make my own OJ, but the feds confiscated my equipment.
29. Don’t Cry – Asia, Making Love – Air Supply
30. We met online. She had just moved into town and was checking the sex offender registry…she decided to write me and the rest is history.
31. “Smoke free for 2006. Smoking permitted in designated areas.” Well, it’s not smoke free then.
32. Not so much lines as a series of clusterfucks.
33. Fucking Justice League
34. Actually use the term “spooktacular”
35. “This is kind of how I picture the end of the world to be.” – Amy
36. Why are they wishing us a happy 45th anniversary?
37. Houdini – Dracula
38. “You must be this tall.” Spanish kid comes. “Go do some chin-ups.”
39. “Mama, look,” should always be followed by a loud thump and crying.
40. Saw a midget
41. Bread chicken w/coffee
42. Story – a talent show at work, jokes about car crash, miscarriage, retards, losing parent
43. Needle art – black girl – watermelon
44. East Bumfuck Historical Society
45. The Five Stair Steps: Father named them after what he wished he kicked his wife down when she was pregnant.

46. I bought two pairs of socks at a swap meet in Tucson
47. Wendy’s “Breakfast Platte”
48. Major Joe Crawson, shot during Bonnie and Clyde raid
49. Greased Pig Smoking Contest
50. Referred to painting of baby as “child pornography”
51. Haystacks Calhoun: suspenders, bread, enormous jean shorts

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Oh, Those Sexy Child Stars of my Yoof

The girls of television that were the unattainable loves of my life in my youth. Sad, really. But here goes:

Andrea Elson, Alf

I remember the episode in which Alf fell for Lynne and wrote a song for her.
That furry bastard had some taste. And I still remember the song, "You're The
One Who's Out Of This World." Good Lord.

Kari Michaelson, Gimme A Break

As a youth I watched this show starring Nell Carter and Joey Lawrence. I don't
remember any of the other girls on this show. I just recall digging Kari A LOT
and erroneously thinking that if I married her I'd be Michael Michaelson. What a
little tool!

Allison Smith and Ari Meyers, Kate & Allie

These two little hotties were Kate and Allie's daughters, Jenny and Emma. The
show wanted us to believe that Jennie was popular, while Emma wasn't. Meanwhile,
they were both equally hot. Well, maybe Jennie (Allison Smith) was a little
hotter, but Ari Meyers is still in a lot of crossword puzzles because of her
short, easy-to-use, first name.

Traci Gold, Growing Pains

I remember thinking this was a really funny show and that Traci was kinda cute.
I also really liked the girl who played Kirk Cameron's girlfriend and that he
wouldn't do certain things with her because he's a Jesus freak. Tool.

Maureen Flannigan, Out of This World

This was a stupid show about a girl who's an alien or something. Evie was hot,
hot, hot.

Brooke Theiss and Jamie Luner, Just the Ten of Us

This was a Growing Pains spin-off, I believe. There were eight kids, including
two smoking hot daughters. What the hell ever happened to Brooke Theiss? There
was absolutely no other reason to watch this piece of garbage.

Lara Piper and Khrystyne Haje, Head of the Class

Don't know what happened to either of them. Lara Piper joined the cast last in
the show.

***Correction: Thanks to Mr. Jason Shifrin, The Unpublishables has learned that Lara Piper is a talented and beautiful sculpturess. Thanks, J.S.!

Nicole Eggert and Josie Davis, Charles In Charge

Holy crap! Nicole Eggert was hot! The other girl was pretty damn cute too.

***Hmm. Now that I look at her again, Josie Davis looks a little like "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton of the Midnight Express.

Angela Goethals, Phenom

In 1993 there was a sitcom on ABC called Phenom, starring Judith Light and
16-year-old Angela Goethals. I was 19 and watched every episode of that stupid
show because of Angela. They did not get any cuter.

These are just a few of many. Add yours if you'd like. I could use the damn comments.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I'm Finishing This List, Motherffffers



While Tiffany Mynx was my first love in the world of the pornographic features, Devon was the ultimate starlet. Who cares if a gal has had her tits and most of her face done? Hot is hot, and Devon, the former Vivid girl (you might call her a “porn star”), is hot.

Born Kristie Maria Lisa in Allentown, PA (made famous by Billy Joel with that wonderful tune, appropriately titled “Allentown”) on March 28, 1977, this former Penthouse pet got her start in the world of pornography in 1998. When I saw her on the ole Howard Stern Show, back when I listened to and watched that crap, I fell in love. So, of course, I had to have all her films, this fine young actress. That’s right. I purchased pornography once upon a time. Film with titles such as Where the Boys Aren’t 13, Asstroids, and Pussy Grinders.

Devon, now 34, left Vivid apparently in 2006 and now works for Shane’s World. Good girl. Keep it up!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

You Will Worship Me: Top 9 Fictions on the Internets

Here is a list of my Top 9 Fictions available on the Internets according to no one but yours truly. My stories, my genius, my ego. This, of course, will not include any stories available only in print, including the amazing "Grandpa & Me" published in the wonderful Goldust's Solid Gold Anthology, or the biting "Bullies," published by the U.K. journal Monkey Kettle, or the trio of gems "Dicks, Nipples and Sylvia Plath, in Monkeybicycle's Dirty Humor Issue.

Indeed, these are all great stories. Some of the world's greatest writers have this to say:

"Frissore is the funniest unknown fiction writer of his generation." - Mark Twain

"If you're not reading Frissore, you're an asshole." - S.J. Perelman

"Reading Frissore's fiction is like ejaculating into Dorothy Parker." - Donald Barthelme

"Frissore is more hilariouser than even me. And for fuck's sake, I'm not the wrestler." - Bret Harte

So let's get this list moving

9. Calista Flockhart and the MySpace Hoax
Antithesis Common

A two-part story based, in some part, on truth. I used to have a lot of fun with MySpace.

8. The Banana
Spilt Milk Magazine

What can I say about this story that anyone wants to hear?

7. Mister Bink Habit

Bartleby Snopes

My son Alex gave me this idea, albeit inadvertently. A “Story of the Month” winner for November 2010. So you know it’s worth reading

6. The Adventures of Root Beer Float Man

Lowestoft Chronicle

New for Summer 2011! Parts of this were first written more than ten years ago. I am officially a superhero.

5. The Lookist

Berg Gasse 19

This story was nearly selected by at least one major print journal, but screw ‘em. I wrote it with Freud in mind anyway.

4. The Seven Stages of Sorrow

Jersey Devil Press

Originally titled “The Story of Jay,” then “The Girl in the Ultimate Warrior Jacket,” then “The Ballad of Jay and Colleen,” then…something else, and finally in seven parts as it is here. It was also originally twice as long.

3. The Gingerbread Gang

Silkworms Ink

An online fiction chapbook containing six delicious stories, all formerly published in journals that have since shit the bed.

2. Q.Q.’s Barbershop

Sein Und Werden

A wonderful story that could only be published here. The W.C. Fields-inspired Q.Q. endures many, many problems as a barber living inside a whiskey bottle.

1. Heckle

decomP Magazine

And my personal favorite, the story of lil’ Heckle. I’m gonna turn pro wrestler and say this is the greatest short story ever written, perhaps next to Woody Allen’s “Kugelmass Episode.”

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Back to My Stupid List That No One Cares About

5. Melissa Reeves

Thanks to my mom, I was raised on the soap opera Days of Our Lives. Summers were always about The Price is Right, the noon news and lunch, followed by a young Tom Bergeron and his local program People Are Talking, then Days, or DOOL, as uber fans call it. I was probably but a wee lad of 11 when I began seriously getting into the show, and that was precisely the year that Melissa Brennan, later Melissa Reeves, debuted on the show at age 18.

There were other dolls on this famous serial: Mary Beth Evans as Kayla Brady; Tracy Middendorf, and then Christie Clark as Carrie Brady; heartthrob quarterback Tom Brady. And Stefano DiMera? A sexier villain there never was!

But who cared about these seemingly countless other characters when there was young (or to me old, but not like some of the others on this list) Jennifer Horton. I remember being in college and scheduling my classes around DOOL, like so many other schoolgirls did.

Then, in 1995, tragedy struck when Melissa abruptly left the show and was replaced by some woman named Stephanie Cameron. “Whore!” I screamed. Who the hell was SHE to play the part of Jennifer Horton Devereuax? I toiled for five years watching this pretender play the part only my Missy could play. Joy and bliss ruled once again in 2000 when Melissa returned. By the time she left the show again in 2006, I had long since stopped watching this horse shit.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Don't Blame Vince For All the Dying

With the recent death on “Macho Man” Randy Savage, the public was once again awakened to the mortality rate of professional wrestlers.

Some even used the following day’s alleged rapture to pair the two with some comedy, because the only thing more hilarious than the death of a 58-year-old father is full-fledged sacrilege and blasphemy.

Still others, such as The Wrestling Observer newsletter (Who knew that still existed?) and Yahoo! used the Macho Man’s death to discover that over 25 percent of the performers at Wrestlemania VII are now deceased.

While to the public professional wrestling is and has always been Vince McMahon and the WWF/WWE, wrestling as a whole existed before and continues to exist outside of Stamford, Connecticut. And while McMahon’s expansion in the 80s and the subsequent elimination of “territories” were things that perhaps lead to an increase in the overall death rate, there are other organizations to consider. It’s not like Wrestlemania in general, or Wrestlamania VII in particular, is cursed. One need only examine other events before and after April of 1991 to see this.

Fritz Von Erich’s World Class Championship Wrestling, which folded in 1988, was every bit the “death mill,” as Phil Mushnick called WWE, that McMahon’s company is. A look at the performers at WCCW’s last big event, Parade of Champions V, shows that seven out of 24, or 29 percent, of the wrestlers at that card are now deceased.

Taking place just three years prior to WM VII, on May 8, 1988, the final Parade of Champions has seen the Missing Link, Angel of Death, Jeff Raitz, Terry Gordy, Chris Adams, Bruiser Brody and Kerry Von Erich all pass away.

Of course, pointing this out wouldn’t have earned The Observer all that recognition the way McMahon’s big event did.

WWE’s chief competitor in the 90s, the now defunct World Championship Wrestling, can boast similar percentages while giving the rival a year or more.

WCW’s Great American Bash in ’92 has a 28 percent death rate, after the passings of Brian Pillman, Rick Rude, Shinya Hashimoto, Steve Williams and Terry Gordy.

Give WWE a five year advantage, and WCW’s SuperBrawl VI is at 22 percent (Johnny Grunge, Rocco Rock, Pillman, Road Warrior Hawk, and Savage). Their Bash at the Beach event later that year rates at 23 percent (Ray Traylor, John Tenta, Grunge, Rocco, Chris Benoit, and Savage), while Uncensored ’97 weighs in at 24 percent (Eddie Guerrero, Mortis, Grunge, Rocco, Savage, and Benoit).

One need only go back 12 years, rather than 20, to get rates in the twenties. In 1999, one WCW event rates at 21 percent – Bash at the Beach (Bobby Duncum Jr, Curt Henning, Grunge, Rocco, Benoit, Bam Bam Bigelow, Kanyon and Savage) - , while another saw 23 percent go (Duncum, Henning, Kanyon, Benoit and Savage).

But it was Road Wild ’99, in August of that year, that nearly matches WWE eight years earlier with 25 percent of the performers at that card dying (Guerrero, Bigelow, Kanyon, Duncum Jr. Henning, Benoit and Savage).

At World War 3 ’97, WCW put them all in one ring at the same time. In a 60-man battle royal that year, 11 of the participants (a mere 18 percent) have passed on (Chris Adams, Benoit, Henning, Guerrero, Grunge, Rocco, Louis Spicolli, Mortis, Savage, Traylor, and the Renegade).

Another former rival, Extreme Championship Wrestling, comes in at 22 percent for their Heat Wave ’98 event, with Bigelow, Chris Candido, Mike Awesome, and Big Dick Dudley all gone.

And while major cards for Stu Hart’s defunct Stampede Wrestling of the 80s are hard to find, this site that lists matches from 1988 includes deceased grapplers Benoit, Pillman, Bad News Allen, Biff Wellington, Makhan Singh, Kerry Brown, Hashif Khan, Owen Hart, Lance Idol, Davey Boy Smith, and Larry Cameron.

The moral here is that, unlike anything Phil Mushnik or CNN or The Wrestling Observer, or anyone, would have you believe, Vince McMahon isn’t killing all of these wrestlers. I could put together a list of guys who never set foot in WWE who died young because professional wrestling, sport or not, isn’t for everyone. Plenty of wrestlers died young from 1930 to 1985. Then the business exploded and there were more wrestlers, thus a high number of them dying. Increase in travel plus the advent of hardcore wrestling equals a ridiculous number of deaths. More than any “real sport,” I can promise you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Death in the PWI Top 25 of '97, Top 50 of '93

Since 1991, Pro Wrestling Illustrated has released a yearly issue of the top 500 wrestlers in the world. The list is called the PWI Top 500. From '91 to 1996 four or five of the top 25 have since died. But of the top 25 of 1997, seven of those wrestlers are now dead. That's 28 percent. Twenty-eight percent of the top wrestlers in the world just 14 years ago. The seven include two Japanese wrestlers, two Canadians, an Englishman, an American, and a Mexican-American.

#2 Mitsuharu Misawa (Died at 46 in 2009 from cardiac arrest)
#7 Shinya Hashimoto (Died at 40 in 2005 from a brain aneurysm)
#10 Chris Benoit (Died at 40 in 2007 from suicide)
#16 Owen Hart (Died at 34 in 1999 from an 80 foot fall)
#19 Randy Savage (Died at 58 in 2011 from a heart attack while driving)
#22 Davey Boy Smith (Died at 39 in 2002 from a heart attack)
#24 Eddie Guerrero (Died at 38 in 2005 from heart failure)

Also in the Top 25 that year are wrestles who had strokes at a relatively young age (Bret Hart, Lex Luger) and wrestlers who have or had severe drug problems (Scott Hall, Shawn Michaels, Sean Waltman).

When looking at the Top 50 from the same era, 24 percent wrestlers on this list in 1991 and '92 are deceased, while 28% of the 50 best wrestlers in the world in 1993 are now dead, including:

"Ravishing" Rick Rude
"Mr. Perfect" Curt Henning
Davey Boy Smith
Brian Pillman
"Dr. Death" Steve Williams
"Macho Man" Randy Savage
"Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert
Bam Bam Bigelow
Brian "Crush" Adams
Owen Hart
Road Warrior Hawk
Terry Gordy
Chris Benoit