Sunday, April 4, 2010

Slurve Magazine Season Four Begins

Hello, kids. Season 4 of the great, wonderful and mysterious Web zine SLURVE is up, running and live, and includes yours truly's Top 9 Sports Moments of 2000-2009. Here's the link:

Chopped from my list were two entries, and I wanted to include them here on my very own, not often updated, blog. Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle's death was judged unworthy and perhaps a little mean, while Michael Phelps' accomplishments were considered to be a little ridiculous. I mean, he swims, for Pete's sake. Can't say I disagree on either. But here they are. Numbers 10 and 11 of the last decade:

Michael Phelps Swims

This man pulled one over on all of us. How do you get called the world’s greatest athlete for swimming? Isn’t being the best swimmer like being the best grocery bagger or winning at Duck Duck Goose?

We don’t even know if Phelps can dive. He probably can’t even do a proper cannonball, but he picked a sport, or game, or whatever this is that blacks don’t do. If Usain Bolt could swim Michael Phelps would be a lifeguard at Coney Island.

If the original Dream Team in ’92 got gold medals for each game they played they would also have won exactly eight stupid gold medals. And they all played much longer than Phelps swam. The most he swam in ’08 was seven minutes. And that’s in the water. Not forty minutes up and down a basketball court. Natalie Wood treaded water for twice Phelps’ longest swim before she drowned. Give her a medal.

So screw you, Phelps. You’re no better than Christian Laettner or Chris Mullin. In fact Ken Phelps is a better athlete than you. Even Shirley Phelps-Roeper can swim, but I’ll bet she can’t hit a fastball or sink a jump shot.

Cory Lidle Flies Into a Manhattan Building

It’s always an event when one New York Yankee breaks another Yankee’s record. For example, last year Derek Jeter passed Lou Gehrig for the most hits in Yankee history. Apparently, Ole #2 doesn’t care about curing ALS, does he?

An even greater feat occurred in 2006 when Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle broke Thurman Munson’s record for the best plane crash when he flew his plane into a 50-story condo in New York’s Upper East Side. Lidle not only broke Munson’s record, but Clemente’s, Buddy Holly’s – everyone’s but Mohammed Atta.

Lidle became the third Yankee to die in a plane crash owned by the player, after Munson in 1979 and Jim Hardin in 1991. The Pinstripes lead the league in this category. No other team in Major League baseball even has two. Pirates? One. Cubs? One. Red Sox? None! The Bombers’ three airplane deaths ties Lynryd Skynyrd and the Day the Music Died, and nearly matches the Kennedys. Sure it doesn’t come close to We Are Marshall or several other crashes that took out large portions of teams, but on an individual level, this is huge.