Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Crazies Take on Abortion and Rape

I want to preface this fun little blog by saying that, 
when it comes to abortion, I don't really believe in 
anything, necessarily. I don't mean I'm an abortion 
atheist. I know they exist; I perform them in my 
backyard a couple of times a month. I guess this makes 
me pro-choice, except I'm also pro-life. I mean, I 
don't dislike life. I'm very much for everyone living. 
But I won't tell anyone I don't know what they should 
do. Whether you were accosted and raped by a scoundrel 
or you use abortion as a form of birth control and 
they shout your name at the clinic like they did Norm 
at Cheers, who am I to stop you?
Even if you sign a form that says the doctors and 
nurses can play hacky sack with the fetus and then 
slice it and serve it for Sunday brunch, I'm not 
going to stand in your way. And if you're so pro-
choice you like punching infants in the face at 
Walmart, stay away from my kids and we won't have 
a problem.
The decision to have a doctor go into your 
reproductive system with a pair of pliers, a rusty 
old coat hanger, a shoehorn, whatever they use, and 
rip that unborn baby from you like it's a cancerous 
tumor can't be an easy one. I understand that. 
Especially after a rape. 
Wrestling legend Jake "the Snake" Roberts was the 
product of a rape. He's the only one I have on my 
list. I could tell you Hitler was born from rape; I 
could tell you Superman's mom was raped and he was 
born. I'd be lying either way. If I were on a game 
show to guess who was birthed through forced sex, 
I'd be no better at it than the average contestant. 

All that happy horseshit said, how the hell did we get 
here? How did Republicans land themselves into being 
called lovers of rape by Democrats? How'd they let 
that happen? Shouldn't Rush Limbaugh or whoever leads 
the conservatives have nipped this in the bud? This 
Todd Akin just marched every right winger into that 
fire. "Oh, yeah? You call us baby killers? Well, you 
adore rape." And it's gonna stick! Very few people 
in an albeit liberally biased media call abortionists 
baby killers anymore. But everyone, from the Huffington 
Post to to the local penny saver is calling 
Akin and Huckabee rapist sympathizers.

Great Caesar's ghost, that's playing hard! Jesus, 
if you're a Republican, you've got to be asking how 
you went from trying to stop unborn babies from being 
killed to praising the rapist and the chloroform rag 
he holds dear. It doesn't even make sense!
Todd Akin: All I'm saying is, even if you were raped, 
before you have that unborn baby killed, please 
consider that there could still be a good life for 
him or her.
Liberal media: Why do you love rape so much?
The thinking is as much an abortion as abortion 
itself; yet, it's going on all around us right now. 
Damnit, I hate politics. I just want to sing that 
Buffalo Springfield song and go live on Jupiter or 
some shit with my normal-thinking family. 
What bunch of crazies the far left and the far right 
are. If you're against abortion, not only do 
you want to be the nazi hockey goalie in front of some 
dame's vagina, but now you're practically Ted Bundy, you 
murderous rapist, you.
Is Todd Akin a nitwit for coining the term 
"legitimate rape" and saying rape seldom leads to 
pregnancy? Of course he is. Fuck him. I mean, what, 
after all, would be "illegitimate rape?" I'm guessing 
date rape and statutory rape, for starters. I mean, 
come on. Those aren't real rape.

I'm kidding! Please don't report me to the police!
And maybe rapist sperm is so weak from being lonely 
and psychotic that, in many instances, it couldn't 
possibly knock up a gal. Who knows? No one wants 
to partake in my studies.

In the end, I guess all is fair in politics and 
hate speech. There have been conservatives who kill 
abortion doctors and homosexuals, and say all sorts 
of nasty shit. But lately the Left is proving they 
can be unstoppable hate machines as well. Look at the 
shooting at the Family Research Council.
When's the civil war? Kill each other, wing nuts. 
Team Poppy stand on one side; Team Elaine Benes 
stand on the other side. Let's do this. Let's all 
be power hungry, selling soldiers in a human grocery 
store. Ain't that fresh?


  1. As someone who is both pro-rape AND pro-abortion, I can relate to your frustration. Where is MY voice in all of this mess? Seriously though, a great primal scream piece on extremist American political discourse.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I guess I just have so much trouble sympathizing with the greater majority of the Republican party, a party that operates with such a clear exclusionary bent and fear of the outsider. I mean, this is basically a psychological fact. Or at least there's a strong argument to be made in support of it. And while this particular psychology has a lot of good points, it's difficult to say it's not taken too far these days. I mean, I'm not naive -- I know not to trust most people, at least outright. I don't think that means we ought to set up laws that enforce certain kinds of exclusion, a la barring gay marriage or banning women's autonomy over their own reproductive system.

    I think people are rightly pissed, Mike, because Republicans are saying exactly the opposite of what you prefaced this article with, that you CAN'T get an abortion if you so choose. That's not your right to decide in this free country. I mean, Akin is absolutely an extremist, which I don't think we disagree there, but you really can't defend views as indefensibly dishonest and ignorant as this one (defying both fundamental biological precepts and the unworldly amount of physical and psychological pain a victim of rape endures (not that said victim should be required to abort, either)):

    “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

    So complain about the liberal media all you like. I agree the media is slanted to the left, to a certain extent (more often slanted to profit, attempting to find what will be most sensational in the public eye). Go to Fox news if you want the extreme opposite of that, of course. But geez, at least there is some group calling bullshit on the bullshit a lot of these Republican wackos spew, for whatever end they're looking to achieve (and I certainly don't think it's always as innocent as wanting to protect the rights of unborn human beings, at least not among the politicians and pundits).