I want to preface this fun little blog by saying that,
when it comes to abortion, I don't really believe in
anything, necessarily. I don't mean I'm an abortion
atheist. I know they exist; I perform them in my
backyard a couple of times a month. I guess this makes
me pro-choice, except I'm also pro-life. I mean, I
don't dislike life. I'm very much for everyone living.
But I won't tell anyone I don't know what they should
do. Whether you were accosted and raped by a scoundrel
or you use abortion as a form of birth control and
they shout your name at the clinic like they did Norm
at Cheers, who am I to stop you?
Even if you sign a form that says the doctors and
nurses can play hacky sack with the fetus and then
slice it and serve it for Sunday brunch, I'm not
going to stand in your way. And if you're so pro-
choice you like punching infants in the face at
Walmart, stay away from my kids and we won't have
a problem. The decision to have a doctor go into your
reproductive system with a pair of pliers, a rusty
old coat hanger, a shoehorn, whatever they use, and
rip that unborn baby from you like it's a cancerous
tumor can't be an easy one. I understand that.
Especially after a rape.
Wrestling legend Jake "the Snake" Roberts was the
product of a rape. He's the only one I have on my
list. I could tell you Hitler was born from rape; I
could tell you Superman's mom was raped and he was
born. I'd be lying either way. If I were on a game
show to guess who was birthed through forced sex,
I'd be no better at it than the average contestant.
All that happy horseshit said, how the hell did we get
here? How did Republicans land themselves into being
called lovers of rape by Democrats? How'd they let
that happen? Shouldn't Rush Limbaugh or whoever leads
the conservatives have nipped this in the bud? This
Todd Akin just marched every right winger into that
fire. "Oh, yeah? You call us baby killers? Well, you
adore rape." And it's gonna stick! Very few people
in an albeit liberally biased media call abortionists
baby killers anymore. But everyone, from the Huffington
Post to gawker.com to the local penny saver is calling
Akin and Huckabee rapist sympathizers.
Great Caesar's ghost, that's playing hard! Jesus,
if you're a Republican, you've got to be asking how
you went from trying to stop unborn babies from being
killed to praising the rapist and the chloroform rag
he holds dear. It doesn't even make sense!
Todd Akin: All I'm saying is, even if you were raped,
before you have that unborn baby killed, please
consider that there could still be a good life for
him or her. Liberal media: Why do you love rape so much?
The thinking is as much an abortion as abortion
itself; yet, it's going on all around us right now.
Damnit, I hate politics. I just want to sing that
Buffalo Springfield song and go live on Jupiter or
some shit with my normal-thinking family.
What bunch of crazies the far left and the far right
are. If you're against abortion, not only do
you want to be the nazi hockey goalie in front of some
dame's vagina, but now you're practically Ted Bundy, you
murderous rapist, you. Is Todd Akin a nitwit for coining the term
"legitimate rape" and saying rape seldom leads to
pregnancy? Of course he is. Fuck him. I mean, what,
after all, would be "illegitimate rape?" I'm guessing
date rape and statutory rape, for starters. I mean,
come on. Those aren't real rape.
I'm kidding! Please don't report me to the police! And maybe rapist sperm is so weak from being lonely
and psychotic that, in many instances, it couldn't
possibly knock up a gal. Who knows? No one wants
to partake in my studies.
In the end, I guess all is fair in politics and
hate speech. There have been conservatives who kill
abortion doctors and homosexuals, and say all sorts
of nasty shit. But lately the Left is proving they
can be unstoppable hate machines as well. Look at the
shooting at the Family Research Council. When's the civil war? Kill each other, wing nuts.
Team Poppy stand on one side; Team Elaine Benes
stand on the other side. Let's do this. Let's all
be power hungry, selling soldiers in a human grocery
store. Ain't that fresh?