Friday, July 6, 2012

The Real Zombie Apocalypse

I'm nearly sick of Twitter. If not for the friends I've made there, and the poop and dick jokes, I would be sick of it. I'm sick of Facebook too, but more because it's Facebook. I'm also nearly sick of being a writer, but, like with Twitter, it's more some of the people one has to put up with. The creativity of writing, like the poop and dicks jokes on Twitter, will always appeal to me.

Twitter and Facebook, just like every web site I've written for and every social media site, from MySpace to whatever comes next, is full of whiny, finger-pointing liberalism. This ideology is all over the place. If the regular media is biased, social media is through the roof.

Actresses and whatever the hell other females make videos for "Funny or Die" telling Republicans to get out of their vaginas. Comedians, or people who used to be comedians - Ricky Gervais, Bill Maher, Lewis Black - preach freely that there is no God and anyone who thinks there is one is wrong and an imbecile.

I used to think I was one of these people. During the Bush years I couldn't wait to write some anti-Republican, anti-conservative screed and show my liberal friends how cute and clever I was. I got my writing on Yankee Pot Roast thanks to my willingness to bash conservatives. I think where I started my turn was the Don Imus "nappy headed ho" thing in 2007. All my liberal writer friends said Imus was clearly a racist and should be fired. I said, "No. He made a joke." But Imus had to sit with Al Sharpton and apologize for a passing remark, and I lost friends who thought I was just too conservative in my thinking.

Then I was actually a victim of liberal media bias. I wrote a review of one of Laura Ingraham's books, bashing the shit out of her. I only read three chapters, and not even completely, but I tore her a new asshole, and the site I submitted it to loved it. They only said to add a paragraph explaining who she is. One of my liberal friends told me, "You're a genius."

For my next story, instead of attacking a conservative, I attacked "new atheism," the religion spawned by Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins and others. The hate in this story wasn't anywhere near that of the Ingraham one; yet, I had to edit and resubmit three times before the editor threw his hands in the air, and my same liberal friend said it didn't work because the conservative point of view never comes across as funny. Another site took the atheism story two weeks later, and my next one for this other site claimed the director and producer of the film The Neverending Story were practically pedophiles. I guess that was okay. Attack a conservative, even attack the fact that she has cancer. Call a well-known director a pedophile. But don't attack atheism! It's the liberal religion!

People talk about the zombie apocalypse as if it's something that's really going to happen. I've laughed at this, but then I thought that when all the elderly Republicans out there die off, we'll be left with mostly liberal zombies. Instead of saying "Brains!" they'll be saying "Racist!" and "Homophobe!"

Because that's the general theme of liberalism:

"You don't like our president? You're a racist."

"You don't think gays should marry? You're a homophobe."

"You're against abortion? Why do you want to control me? Get out of my vagina!"

It's absurd and I see it all the time on Twitter and Facebook and when I used to submit writing to literary journals, most of which are liberal rags. These people attack Fox News for being biased, but fail to see the bias the other way when it's MSNBC and so much of the "news" around them.

Let me go to what started this. The current Twitter trend #RepublicanSongs. Here are some examples:

"When A Man Shoves A Woman" (Really? Domestic abuse is a Republican thing?)

She Blinded Me With Science (I get it. Because of the God thing. Clever)

What's Logic Got To Do With It? (Teehee!)

Comfortably Dumb (Genius. Republicans are all stupid.)

"99 Red Buffoons" (Ecch)

Amazing Disgrace (See. Hits the love of country as well as the disgrace of being a Republican.)

"I see a black man and I want him painted white. No colors anymore, I want them to turn white" 

Smells Like Klan Spirit (Yadda yadda. Republicans are exclusively racists.)

First of all, none of these are funny. Second, it's hate speech, the very hate speech liberals scream about if you use the word "gay" or "black."

So now I hope Mitt Romney wins just to witness the bleakness on Twitter and Facebook, the sad and depressed, "I'm moving to Canada" all over again. Of course, if Obama wins the smugness will be unbearable. The zombies will rise like nobody's business.

Anyway, dick jokes, people. Dick jokes. Keep the politics in your debate club.

1 comment:

  1. Two problems:

    A) You seem to be expecting funny and/or reason from politics.

    2) You seem to have pulled a political Admiral Ackbar and fallen into the conservative/liberal, Democrat/Republican, there-are-only-two-choices trap

    III) There is no third reason, but I like threes. No I'm not obsessed. No. Stop looking at me like that.