Sunday, May 27, 2012

Hulk Hogan: Vampire Hunter

Hulk Hogan is Hulk Hogan in  


(rated PG for mild violence and crude humor)

"What is a vampire's least favorite food?
Steak." - Bram Stoker

Once upon a time, Grandma kept flushing the toilet, thinking she was at the casino again. Then, it overflowed, the toilet that is, so we called 1-800-SHIT-POOP

♫ 1-800-SHIT-POOP ♫

and a bald guy who was literally nothing but butt crack told us we had vampires : (

"Shiver me timbers! Bats in the belfry, vampires in the terlet," Billy Joe Butt Crack said. "You don't need me. What you need is one of them vampiro hunters."

Myrtle and I took a gander inside the shitter. (It had been good for the goose, after all.)

"Blah!" one vamp said, peeking out over the porcelain all surreptitiously 'n shit.

"Heavens to Murgatroyd! A whole nest of vampires!" Butty McCracken chortled. "I've already called the vamp hunter for you. And look!" Cracker Butt shouted. "There he is!"

And there he is he was, dressed in yellow and red from head to toe. It was the one and only, the incredible, the immortal Hulk Hogan: Vampire Hunter.

"Okay, brother," he said. "You've got vampires; I'm a vampire hunter. So let's do to them what I did to King Kong Bundy, dude. If there's one thing I know about vampires, brother, it's that they don't train, say their prayers or eat their vitamins."

"That's three things."

"Let me tell you something, Mean Gene. When I get these 24 inch pythons around Nosferatu, brother, and then give him the big leg drop, I'll get the 1-2-3. So, whatcha gonna do, Edward Cullen, when hemophilia runs wild on you?"

"One vampire killer! Ah-ah-ah!," a vampire shouted at the Hulkster.

"Great googily moogily, brother," Hulk said. "Andre, come on in here, big dude."

With that the ghost of Andre the Giant came into our bathroom, bent over, and farted the vampires, and our entire house, into oblivion. And we all lived happily ever after.

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