August 22, 2008
Yes, here we go again. Should the drinking age in the U.S. be lowered from 21 to 18, the same age that a person can legally vote and enjoy a nice, refreshing cigarette? One female student told a reporter this week how crazy and “Oh, my God!” it is that she can die for her country but she can’t legally drink, as if the military even wants her, and her own mother wasn’t asking that same question 20 years ago when she was drinking and pregnant with her.
Apparently Whip-its and glue aren’t good enough for some students anymore. What li’l Barbie is forgetting is that the U.S. government doesn’t give two shits whether she lives or dies, as long as she doesn’t crash into a family of four along the way. So the only logical thing to do, if the drinking age is indeed lowered, is to then lower the age of military eligibility to 16, thereby maintaining an even playing field.
Ordinarily I’d be all for an 18-year-old drinking age. The more stories I hear about binge drinking and college kids dying from alcohol poisoning, the more fun life is for me. But what about the amateur bootleggers, the loser townies that 18 to 20-year-old students always turn to to obtain alcohol? What will they do without all their youthful friends? If these creepy people are no longer needed in our college cities and towns, what will this do to the delicate balance of academia? It could be chaos! Lonely, disgruntled townies murdering drunk students! And vice versa!
In movies, this is where that one person begins applauding slowly, and everyone else gradually joins in. Yes. This is why we need the drinking age lowered. Nothing thins the heard like large scales of excessive boozing. Depressed serial killers in the making relying on the pseudo-friendships of future consumption victims from September to May of every year now disenfranchised by the Man’s new law. New adults finding themselves with double the newfound freedom, being perfectly able to walk into any store and purchase an alcoholic beverage or 50.
So, college kids – drink up! Don’t wait for permission. Just do it! And place all your trust in that scary townie while you still have to. After all, we’re all God’s children, yes?