Wednesday, August 10, 2011

THE UNPUBLISHABLES, PART Q: PERFECTLY STILL, CIRCA 1999

Like bird shit hitting a windshield, so are The Unpublishables.

We travel back to 1999, where Kenny and Gus act silly and make dated references to Dawson’s Creek and Howard Stern. Because no one reads this anyway. Heil, Hitler!











PERFECTLY STILL

Gus stood perfectly still, as he would for exactly one hour. It was distracting. I was trying to eat, but his stillness was annoying me.

"Gus," I said. "Why are you doing this?"

"To think of what it's like to be alive, Kenny," he replied.

"I see, and when moving, you're what? Dead? A cartoon squirrel? A box of Count Chocula? Help me out."

"You wouldn't understand," he said.

"Where did you get this idea?" I asked.

"From Charlotte's Web."

"What are you, six?" I said. "Charlotte's Web? Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you read C.S. Lewis and go hunting for lions in the closet?"

"You're mocking only proves my point," he said. "You don't know what it's like to be alive."

"Sure I do," I replied. "I get up, make coffee, listen to Howard Stern, go to work, have lunch, go back to work, come home, watch the news, have dinner, watch Boston Public and Ally McBeal, and go to bed."

"Oh, isn't that simple?"

"No, Ally's only on Mondays. So, on Wednesday it's Dawson's Creek, Thursdays, the Gilmore Girls. It varies. Variation rules."

"You waste your life watching television," he said.

"Right. Let me stand still naked next to you and live life to the fullest," I replied. "By the way, why are you naked?"

"To get the full effect, Kenny boy."

"Yeah," I said. "Hey, while I'm watching Dawson's Creek, I tape Ed. See, I'm living on the edge, you bastard. Put some clothes on."

"Fifteen minutes. You don't know what you're missing."

"I know," I said. "Instead of Charlotte's Web, I'll read Charlotte Bronte. Then I'll become an orphan and go to reform school in nineteenth-century England."

"You mock because you don't understand."

"And I vomit because you don't get dressed. Pervert."

"Look," he said. "Do you want to fool around or what?"

I thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, all right."

We went into his room and made ze passionate love all night long!


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