Friday, August 12, 2011

Nonsense Poetries: A Case Study

Knuckleball the word “poetry” at any tool you see in the street and you will receive one of two reactions.

“Man, that’s deep. Deep, man. Have you seen my beret and neatly trimmed beard?”


“Poetry blows, you fruit!”

In this edition of Los Unpublishables, we examine how poetry was the cause of World War II; how the Beatniks were a just a gang of criminal, drug addicted, murdering hacks; and how peanut butter spread on a hamburger can be quite a tasty treat.

Example 1:

Seven Bryan Adams Songs Will Climb Into Your Children

Check it out
dozens of refrigerator boxes
will explode like a television penguin
with haikus and dirty limericks

Amid the flaming chaos
ostriches will raise their glasses
and drink to the fire,
shouting that someone buried their heads.

Now look here,
many of you won’t catch my drift
and you will stride into a pizzeria
of unending happiness.

Soon. Thirty-one flavors
of British comedies will perch
in jock straps
of Texas high school kids
and what they say is
a lot of Woohoo! and Yee Haw!
and LOL!.

Some will give themselves
breast examinations
and not realize that God
is in their breasts,
wash those breasts, wash them
be sure to get underneath.

Years later,
seven Bryan Adams songs
will climb into your children,
and try to get into the U.S. illegally,
some will get through,
others will be shot,
and they will see that
you can’t swing a dead cat
without beating a dead horse.

Psst. Buddy.
Tomorrow a teenager will
take off her clothes and
be crushed by an avalanche
of knock-knock jokes.

We will pile the dead
in a frog pond in
the middle of the city.

And mister,
she will not speak of it
if she knows what’s good for her.

Example 2:

Your Name Repeats Like Robert Reed AIDS Jokes

Your ring finger looks like
Megan Fox’s thumb
and all I see is it
tenderizing meat

I have this fantasy of
Gunther Dyhrenfurth raping you
with a German sausage

you eat pork products
and shit a wild boar
and tap dance in the shit

the audience shoots
pumpkins out of a canon

you in blackface
being yelled at by Al Sharpton

everyone walks out
but when you shout
“you dropped something”
they all turn around.

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