The Unpublishables presents our new series, “Pithy Talks with the Silly and Deceased.” Whenever we can dial them up on our Ouija board, we will be talking to famous and funny dead people. In our first interview we chatted with silent film actor and naughty boy Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle:
UNPUBLISHABLES: Fatty. Can we call you Fatty, or do you prefer Roscoe?
ARBUCKLE: Please call me Roscoe.
U: Really? Because nowadays, a newborn baby is probably more likely to be named “Fatty” than “Roscoe.” I don’t know of a Roscoe outside of the cop from The Dukes of Hazzard, and that went off the air 25 years ago. Ever see it?
FA: No, and just please call me Roscoe.
U: You got it, buddy. So, Roscoe, did you do it?
FA: Do what?
U: You know, the Coke bottle bit.
FA: It was actually a champagne bottle.
U: Classy man.
FA: And no, I didn’t. It was a misunderstanding.
U: Like on Three’s Company. So you feel the incident was misrepresented in the television film Message in a Bottle: the Fatty Arbuckle Story?
FA: There was never any such movie.
U: That’s because I’m writing it now. It’ll be a musical and probably bought by Lifetime.
FA: I’ll sue you.
U: You’re dead. Dead men tell no stories, or some shit like that.
FA: I thought we were gonna talk about my career.
U: And a fantastic one it was. How do you feel that people remember Chaplin and Keaton for their work, but remember you, if they remember you at all, for shoving a large bottle into a young girl’s twat and killing her?
FA: This interview is over, and I will be haunting you from the grave.
U: You can always try, O.J.
Coming up: Paul Lynde, Lenny Bruce, Benjamin Franklin, and Dave Eggers’s sister.