Sunday, June 12, 2011

51 Things I Wrote in This Crappy Lil' Notebook Five Years Ago

I found a 3x5 inch CVS notebook from five years ago. I used it to write ideas and such in, and had taken it with me on our trips at least to Dallas and Houston; Six Flags in Agawam, Massachusetts; Kittery, Maine; and perhaps to Columbus, Ohio, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, just so I could throw it out, I collected the Top 51 things I wrote in this notebook. They’re in no order but perhaps a little chronological. And I’m not offering an explanation for any of them (unless asked). Let each ridiculous one stand on its own (With the exception of the ones with photos. Every blog needs photos).

How I thought any of these things would lead to stories I have no idea.

1. Grits
2. Woody’s Smokehouse – “Jerky Capital of the World”
3. Nougatocity?
4. Skydiving – hit birds?
5. McDonalds, May ’05, Columbus, OH. Had sandwich/subs
6. Prisonopoly
7. “You never sausage a place!”
8. Substantialiscious
9. “Good, they took the knives away.”
10. Let’s face it, there are some really hot 14 yr olds.
11. Handheld gas launcher, Pistols - .357, .38, AR-15 assault rifle, Nightstick, old slap jacks, Pepper spray
12. Micro surgical vasectomy revival
13. Pretzels made fun of Trinity w/3 holes
14. Satisfectellant
15. “Sock it to me, baby!”
16. Greatest Hits – Duran Duran, Huey Lewis, Poison, Mitch Ryder

17. Texas Prison Rodeo – “Thrilling Inmate Contest”
18. “Mine’s all wet.” “That’s what she said.”
19. “God Bless JFK. Forgive the conspirators,” which I thought was nice, but no. Fuck them.
20. Stereotype Wedding: Photographer (Asian), Staff (Spanish), Dressmaker (Gay), Guitarist (Hippy chick with hairy armpits)
21. Umbrella – Wish had a knife or sarin in it
22. Fuller Brush Outlet?
23. Evil Mike. Indifferent Mike.
24. Stuff issued to prisoners: shirt, pants, socks, shoes, comb, razor, tooth powder, toothbrush, soap, toilet paper roll
25. Oprah, Siskel, Gacy
26. Spilled ketchup all over plate. If waitress comments – “Well, when Amy’s Aunt Flo visits, it’s a heavy one.”
27. Hanna Anderson in Kittery: If you’re a pedophile with a hankering for French-Canadian children
28. I tried to make my own OJ, but the feds confiscated my equipment.
29. Don’t Cry – Asia, Making Love – Air Supply
30. We met online. She had just moved into town and was checking the sex offender registry…she decided to write me and the rest is history.
31. “Smoke free for 2006. Smoking permitted in designated areas.” Well, it’s not smoke free then.
32. Not so much lines as a series of clusterfucks.
33. Fucking Justice League
34. Actually use the term “spooktacular”
35. “This is kind of how I picture the end of the world to be.” – Amy
36. Why are they wishing us a happy 45th anniversary?
37. Houdini – Dracula
38. “You must be this tall.” Spanish kid comes. “Go do some chin-ups.”
39. “Mama, look,” should always be followed by a loud thump and crying.
40. Saw a midget
41. Bread chicken w/coffee
42. Story – a talent show at work, jokes about car crash, miscarriage, retards, losing parent
43. Needle art – black girl – watermelon
44. East Bumfuck Historical Society
45. The Five Stair Steps: Father named them after what he wished he kicked his wife down when she was pregnant.

46. I bought two pairs of socks at a swap meet in Tucson
47. Wendy’s “Breakfast Platte”
48. Major Joe Crawson, shot during Bonnie and Clyde raid
49. Greased Pig Smoking Contest
50. Referred to painting of baby as “child pornography”
51. Haystacks Calhoun: suspenders, bread, enormous jean shorts


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