Thursday, May 26, 2011

The List Mercilessly Continues...

Your votes have led us to the Top 14 in this "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" extravaganza. Willie and Julio are standing by, taking your phone calls, and both of them asked me to tell you it's none of your beeswax what they're wearing.

14. Ellen DeGeneres

This was to a much lesser extent than any of the others on this list. But, just as I do today with the likes of Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey and Nikki Glaser, I loved funny women who are also a bit cute. Creepy as it sounds, I was probably the first Ellen fan. This was when she was on a FOX sitcom called Open House and had her first half-hour HBO One Night Stand. She was kind of attractive back then. She was! And very funny. Seriously! I also had a bit of a thing for Pam Stone. Perhaps she should get honorable mention.

Where are they now? – Read a magazine, for Pete’s sake.

13. Sylvia Plath

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Poetess, author, and a verb for shoving your head in an oven, Sylvia, born in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, was every boy’s dream: smart, beautiful, and out of her freaking mind.

Yes, in my dark period I was obsessed with Ms. Plath. Some might say I still am. Her awesome, and only, novel “The Bell Jar” was made into a movie in the late 70s, and the lovely Gwenyth Paltrow played her in a biopic, aptly titled Sylvia. She’s number 13 because women married to Ted Hughes found out just how unlucky he was, as Ted’s second wife also killed herself in 1968.

Where are they now? – Still dead

12. Elizabeth Montgomery

Tell me Jeannie was sexier and I’ll tear your arm off.

Star of one of the greatest situation comedies of all time, Bewitched, Lizzie was every man’s dream: smart, sexy, and a frigging witch. A young Liz made numerous TV appearances prior to this classic, including “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” “The Untouchables,” and “The Twilight Zone.” She would later star as Lizzie Borden in “The Legend of Lizzie Borden.”

Where are they now? – Also still dead

Honorable Mention: Miss Henrietta Pussycat from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

Come on. Just look at her.

Until next time...

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