Wednesday, March 30, 2011

THE UNPUBLISHABLES, PART III: HUSH, LITTLE NAZI

In Part III of The Unpublishables, we visit a nonsensical conversation between Jamison and Hush, and reaquaint ourselves with the lovely star of Three's Company and Dallas, Jenilee Harrison.










HUSH, LITTLE NAZI

"When one flew east and one flew west, a hush fell over the cuckoo's nest."

"Excuse me," a man said. "Did you say my name?"

"What?" Jameson replied. "No, I didn't say your name. I'm rehearsing a play."

"A play?"

"Yes," Jameson replied. "It's called 'The Beer Hall Putsch'. Now go away."

"'The Beer Hall Putsch'? What is it? The sequel to 'Springtime For Hitler'?"

"Now, look here," Jameson demanded. "What is your name?"

"Hush."

"I will not hush, damn you. What is your name?"

"It's Hush," the man said.

"Your name is Hush?"

"Yes," Hush told him.

"As in shut the fuck up? That kind of hush?" Jameson asked.

"Indeed," Hush confirmed again.

"You mean as in the Deep Purple song and the Gwyneth Paltrow film?"

"Damn it, yes," Hush said, clearly annoyed. "What the hell is your name?"

"The name's Milano, Jameson Milano."

"Of the Pepperidge Farm Milanos?" Hush asked.

"Of course not, you fool," Jameson said. "Now let me get back to my play."

"Your play about Hitler?"

"It's not about Hitler, you simpleton.”

"Now, listen," Hush said. "I happen to know a little bit about this Beer Hall Putsch."

"I'm not listening to you," Jameson said.

"In 1923," Hush started, "Adolf Hitler attempted to overthrow the Bavarian government in Munich. He entered a beer hall, fired a pistol towards the ceiling, and announced that he was revolting."

"He's not the only one."

"Shut up," Hush continued. "Along with General Ludendorff and three thousand troops, they marched through the streets of Munich and were met by police gunfire. Sixteen men were killed and Hitler was arrested and sentenced to five years in prison, where he wrote Mein Kampf. He was released nine months into the sentence."

"You're a loony," Jameson said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're a wacko," Jameson reiterated. "All this Hitler lunacy, it's very unhealthy. Do you know who else was obsessed with Hitler? Charles Manson. The Trench Coat Mafia. Jenilee Harrison."

"What?" Hush objected. "Jenilee Harrison?"

"It's why she left the Los Angeles Rams, Three's Company and Dallas. She was forced out. She and her nazi propaganda."

"You're a bloody liar," Hush said. "It's not true."

"All right. Maybe not, but I had you going."

"Bastard!"

There was a moment of silence.

"So, you're name's really Hush, then, is it?" Jameson asked.

"Yes."

"Like 'Sweet Charlotte' and 'Hush Little Baby,' that's your name?"

"What's wrong with my name?"

"Oh, nothing, Shut Up," Jameson replied.

"What are you, telling me to shut up?"

"I'm not," Jameson said. "I'm calling you 'Shut Up.' Can I call you Shut Up?"

"No."

"Piss off?"

"No."

"What about Shhhh?"

"No, no," Hush said. "Now hold on. How could this play not be about Hitler?"

"Oh, we're back to this again, are we?" Jameson said. "It takes place in a pub, a beer hall."

"But what about the putsch?" Hush pointed out. "A putsch is a secretly plotted and suddenly executed attempt to overthrow a government."

"All right," Jameson said. "All right, you've got me. You finally got me. I'm a nazi. And for a few shekels, I'll show you my swastika tattoo, but I must warn you that I could be arrested."

"You're a nazi?"

"Ah, yes," Jameson continued. "Glorious white power. God bless bleach, Casper the friendly ghost and crack-cocaine. May you put salt and sugar on every single thing you see, kiss an albino, and have intercourse with a polar beer during a blizzard. Hitler, God bless you, you Aryan bastard, wherever you are."

"You're completely insane," Hush said, running away

"Insane with love for the master race!" Jameson shouted, watching Hush
run with fear. And Jameson carried on, practicing his lines for the play.

Now, my kind reader, you may have been offended by some of what you read here. I can assure you that neither the author nor our friends Jameson and Hush subscribe to any of the beliefs of the Nazi party. Those who contributed to the telling of this story hold no feelings of prejudice against any group of people. Except the Swedes. None of us like them very much at all.

And Jenilee Harrison? A wonderful woman with no affiliation to the Nazis whatsoever. For, as everyone knows, it was the guy who played Mike, the bartender of the Regal Beagle, who was the neo-Nazi hatemonger.

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