Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rediscovering My Argument with Atheists

Atheists piss me off. Not all atheists. Two of my best friends are atheists. But the growing culture, and, yes, cultlike religion of what is referred to as “the New Atheism” and “atheist chic” is what gets me.

In my online writing I used to attack the right on a regular basis. Just look HERE, HERE, and HERE.

But it’s when I attacked atheism that I got the most shite. And I love it, of course. I first wrote something about New Atheism in early 2008 and submitted it to my liberal editor at the time and had it rejected after multiple rewrites only to have Defenestration take it almost immediately.

Then I started writing for a site called Up My Own Ass (now The Buzz Media). In October 2008 I wrote a piece attacking Bill Maher and that story received the lowest rating of anything I’d ever written on that site.

Someone named "Troo" wrote:

Ok, this post is tagged “funny” WHY, exactly?
Cuz, like, it sure as hell ain’t funny!
It also reads like the writer is a devout Xtian, frankly.

To which I replied:

You’re absolutely right, Mr. Troo. Cuz that anal sex bit, like, has devout, like, Xtian written all over it. Not that I know what, like, an Xtian is.

This would have been, like, much funnier if it had said something like, “Xtians are stupid! Xtians are stupid! Xtians are stupid!

In July 2009 I read about “debaptisms” and had to write another piece for UMOA. Well, that bastard got more comments than anything I’ve written EVER. It’s still getting comments. I checked yesterday after months and was shocked at the interest, both for and against.

I read this piece again today and stand by it, even the barbed wire baseball bit, which was both a salute to extreme wrestling and a veiled reference to the Cross.

I’ve entered all of these with humor. I’m certainly not a religious scholar who can take you into a secret room inside a building and show you were God’s been hiding. But, man, do atheists get pissed off.

If you're too lazy to hit the link, yet are still reading, I will excerpt it here for you with some of my favorite bits:

God, I Hate These Smarmy Atheists!

“Authors such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are the L. Ron Hubbards of this new cult. And, yes, it is a cult like any religion because now atheists, in lieu of minding their own vapid beeswax, are holding conventions and are even trying to reverse their own baptisms.”

"Yes, the Dawkinians are holding debaptisms, these hilarious, Andy Kaufmanesque geniuses."

"Ceremonies in at least states four states (mainly at douchey liberal colleges) have washed that holy water right out of these adorable little creatures’ hair via, of all things, a hair dryer. Yes, a hair dryer, presumably one like what Princess Vespa carted around in Spaceballs, will undo all the hurt and pain that that nasty Christening brought you way back when. And the dryers, according to the article, are marked “reason,” because nothing says reason like having some robed imbecile unbaptize you with a home appliance when any decent clergyman would stick that thing in this broad’s twat sideways."

"At these debaptisms, waitresses also serve “de-sacraments,” consisting of crackers and peanut butter, because an atheist’s gotta eat. This reporter is quite saddened to think how many times he’s de-sacramented himself over the years. Good thing only Ritz and Skippy truly have the power to take away the light of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

"Will a Hello Kitty hair dryer give these sardonic fuck sticks back the love their fathers never gave them? Only God…oops…I guess no one knows. Would a giant fan completely erase these fuckers’ memories of everything from that first confession to when they shit their pants in the third grade?"

"Some say that every one of these assholes should take the beating that Jesus took, and I personally would like to give it to them with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. That’ll make you forget the moment your crying parents held so dear, you sniveling little babies. Just because Daddy didn’t buy you the cell phone you prayed for or because a priest patted you on the head in a somewhat suggestive manner doesn’t mean you should mock religion until you need Him again."

"Said Jennifer Gray in this article (and believe me, I’ll never watch Dirty Dancing again, you bitch), these ceremonies are “a chance to laugh at the silly things I used to believe as a child. It helped me admit that it was OK to think the way I think and to not have any religious beliefs.”

"Little Jennifer’s summer is booked solid with ceremonies exorcising Santa Claus with a curling iron, the Easter Bunny with a coffee maker, and the time Uncle Paul buried his manhood in her with a shovel."

"These dopes, like Gary Mueller, are even petitioning churches to remove their names from baptismal records because they were baptized without consent. It’s rape by baptism! Why not get de-circumcised too, you fruit?"

This led to some of my further comments, such as:

“…it’s the mocking and assumption that all believers are idiots to which I object. And true, one can’t escape God in one’s every day life any more that, say, Hannah Montana. But atheist do have that Nazi word that replaces “Bless you.” And, hey, everyone uses debit cards now. So atheists don’t even have to look upon those filthy, God-loving green things…Anyway, I was due for a rant against something and the smug atheist is my favorite target lately. God love ‘em”

“Attacking religion is old hat. It’s like attacking racists or thalidomide babies. Everyone does it now. If you want to be absolutely wacky you have to attack the non-believers, Jesus taught me this, plus a few card tricks. The Pope said it himself – “Attacking zealots is for queers.”

"...other than telling a smarmy douche atheist he or she is a dick for making fun of my beliefs, I don’t give a tenth of a shit whether you believe, live or die. If I could point at God and say, “There. See?” then what good would a thing called faith be?

New age atheists have not only turned atheism into its own religion, they’ve turned the argument over God’s existence into a Red Sox-Yankees rivalry. So I can only chant, “Atheists suck! Atheists suck!”

"Look, the Bible was written by dinosaurs. Everyone knows that. And Richard Dawkins may have been the best host of The Family Feud, nearly edging out the guy who hung himself in a mental hospital, but he and his thoughts on God can go screw."

I guess the moral is there are few atheists with a sense of humor. Or maybe I'm just not funny. No, that can't be it.

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