Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Go at the French on The Buzz Media

From The Buzz Media - August 2008

French People Very Rude to 10-Year-Old Bullfighter

Michelito Lagravere is the coolest 10-year-old ever. Even cooler than Drew Barrymore at that age. For as adorable as little Drew must have been with booze on her breath and cocaine on her nose, young Michelito is at least twice as cute when fighting bulls. Yes, this Mozart-like child prodigy is causing quite a ruckus among animal apologists in France. It’s bad enough what we humans have been doing to these creatures, say the oh-suddenly-we-have-a-heart-and-a-soul French, but to endanger a child at the same time, that’s like bathing twice in the same week!

As for the great sport of bullfighting, it’s a winless debate, like abortion or midget tossing. There are no real answers regarding whether it’s right or wrong. Only God can truly say. Quite frankly, I think that if God didn’t want us fighting off these animals, He wouldn’t have made them so feisty when you wave a red rag at them. Maybe when these bulls stop terrorizing people in Pamplona every year, we’ll stop trying to fight them. And with the Almighty unwillingly to give us a verdict, I turn to the next best thing: Ernest Hemingway. And if the PETA types are saying Papa Hemingway was wrong about bullfighting, then they will have me to tangle with.

Regarding the little torero himself, apparently some people aren’t aware that Michelito is now 60-0 against these bulls. He’s murdered 60 of these things! Are their 10-year-olds anywhere near that good at football or soccer, sports that, by the way, are every bit as dangerous? Have they ever placed their fragile children on top of a horse?

Sure the young Lagravere has been trampled a few times, but who hasn’t? Not to worry. The young man’s father is a French bullfighter, and, if it’s in the boy’s blood, who are we to take that away? What if someone had taken the golf club out of young Tiger Woods’ hands? Or tried to keep Baby Jessica away from the well? It wouldn’t have been right.

So these sneaky French are now trying to keep the boy from competing by saying that the French labor code bars children under 16 from “jobs that endanger their lives, health or morality.” Well, good. Donate the money to some frog charity or to restoring Jerry Lewis’ films, or just let ole Dad keep the money.

You can’t tell a child to stop playing video games and get some exercise, then turn around and say, no, you can’t be fighting those nasty bulls either. Let Michelito Lagravere fight!

From The Buzz Media - December 2008

Study Explains French Rudeness

The medical journal Who Gives a Shit? just released a new study that says the cleaner that people are the less judgmental they tend to be. This fascinating study, the fancy doctorin’ folk say, finally reveals why people bathe, why the homeless are such dicks, and why Shakespeare invented the term “cranky ass.”

It also explains why Pepe Le Pew was such an asshole, and sheds light on the famous Peanuts episode in which Pig Pen kicks Linus in the nuts and cuts off two of Charlie Brown’s fingers.

The study could also bring the world together as one, but, when asked whether a greasy Italian or a Puerto Rican are more likely to be judgmental, the study’s maker uppers would not comment.

In fact, they were quite rude about it. Disgusting, filthy bastards.

One psychologist poses the example of a juror who washes his or her hands before delivering a verdict judging the crime less harshly than the slob sporting messy, grubby dick beaters. This may be true, as we all remember the famous sponge baths given to the O.J. Simpson jury by the defense in 1995.

But it is the long-misunderstood French who benefit the most from this important study. That their trademark lack of hygiene and their patented rudeness have been discovered to be connected might begin to make outsiders pause before making fun. We might soon find out that the cleaner a person is the less likely they are to surrender to the Nazis.

So hug a Frenchman today. Look him in the eyes and say, “I understand, Pierre. I understand.”

Then wash yourself thoroughly. Check your pockets too. I don’t trust those frogs.

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